


Revelations of a love-struck popstar

by ElenaHarris



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: AU, Angst, Love, M/M, Recovery, References to eating disorders, Self Harm, tw
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-07
Updated: 2014-05-07
Packaged: 2018-01-23 23:01:09
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,706
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1582589
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ElenaHarris/pseuds/ElenaHarris
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Harry has a secret, one that was never supposed to get out. So why does everyone now know? And why is the one boy he wanted to protect, the one his secret hurt the most. </p>
<p>Harry's about the get the shock of his life - the reaction he gets is far from the reaction he was expecting.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Revelations of a love-struck popstar

We’d just finished the last of the day’s interviews and desperately needed some free time. Paul had, reluctantly, given us two hours for coffee, on the understanding that we kept a low profile and didn’t do anything particularly stupid. And that was how we ended up curled up on the sofas in the corner of a Starbucks on the outskirts of London, each with a frappuccino in hand and taking the rare opportunity to completely unwind and just pretend for a little while that we were five ordinary boys whilst everyone was busy at work or school.

I leant back in my armchair, sucking on the straw and drawing out the last drips of my small mango passion fruit, which I’d ordered despite Niall asking why on Earth I’d cut down to a small instead of my customary medium chocolate cream. This meant that I had to come up with a ridiculously false sounding excuse which nobody had really bought but everybody had pretended to, given me a strange look and then hastened to change the subject. They all thought that they hid their private disapproving shakes of their heads from me as we sat down. I could practically read all of their minds as they subtlety tried to check me over to see what was wrong. They were all thinking, I had no doubt, that they didn’t need _another_ anorexic in the group, not after all the problems we’d had all too recently trying to coax Louis to start eating again. They all had the same question in their eyes – was I really stupid enough to do the same? And Louis’ stern look across the small table spoke volumes. “ _How could you? How could you sit there and judge me when you’re doing it too?”_ he seemed to be saying, and before too long I was drowning in guilt.

“So,” Zayn began, leaning back onto the corner of the sofa he was sharing with Niall and Louis, attempting to break the undeniable tension that had somehow fallen over our tight unit since we’d sat down. “Next album. What do we think?” It was an open question, one of the discussion starters Zayn was famed for by his closest friends. It was the more casual equivalent of an essay question. He may as well have said “We now have the songs for the next album drafted, are they good or bad? Discuss.” But it was the pointer we needed at that point in time, and it always helped in curing situations where small talk was hard.

“To be honest mate, some of them just aren’t doing it for me.” Liam spoke frankly and without reserve. He would have voiced this at the studio the day before, but would’ve wanted to discuss our opinions before he did so.

“Yer,” Niall put in, chipping into the conversation. “I just don’t know how I’d feel performing some of those songs live. It’s like…” He cocked his head, struggling to find the right way to describe it.

“They’re not us?” Louis suggested. Niall nodded in agreement.

“Exactly. They don’t really fit our sound. It’s like something The Wanted would come out with.”

“Well we want to avoid that if we can. There’s already friction between the two fanbases, we don’t want their fans accusing us of stealing their sound and sending hate to our girls.” Liam reasoned sensibly. There was a round of agreeing nods.

“Or us for that matter, not after…” Louis added quietly, letting his sentence peter out as four pairs of eyes flicked to mine for an instant and then back again.

I rolled my eyes in obvious view of Louis, who was looking at me again. Were they ever going to let that go?

“No, but seriously, we need to talk to the guys at the studio next time and sort it out.” Liam pressed. Again, another round of nods. I drew my knees up to my chin, retreating into myself, and finding that even though I’d thought I’d needed this so badly, I would be so much happier alone in my room. Perhaps with a good cup of tea and…

“Earth to Styles?” Liam patted my shoulder.

“Huh?” I replied, jolting slightly in shock.

“You still with us?” He asked, only half joking. I nodded unsurely. “Zayn was just saying, is there any new gossip? You’re the most social outside the band as far as other celebs are concerned. Anything new around to stop us talking about work?”

“Erm…not that I can think of. It’s pretty boring in the land of the rich and famous as it stands.” I replied, straightening up and trying to sound just a little bit brighter. _Far more boring than those dark and gloomy thoughts in my head._ I added mentally.

“What was Nick Grimshaw talking to you about yesterday?” Louis asked, his voice a little more than curious.

“Nothing.” I replied a little too quickly and sharply. “Nothing much really. Err…basically…he was just…like…asking about the album. Asked how it was going.” I lied through my teeth, looking Louis straight in the eyes as I did so in a way that shouldn’t have been as easy as it was. Maybe I was just made to lie.

“How is he?” Niall asked, and it seemed that there was no vendetta behind his words.

“Good, good I think. He’s starting on a couple of new projects which look pretty cool. Says he wants us in for an interview soon. Something about a segment called _Getting to know the real One Direction._ Management’s up for it and it’ll be good for the fans. They can’t get enough when it comes to us and our private lives.”

“True that.” Niall laughed. “Hey, do you guys remember that girl who had basically handwritten each of us biographies, complete with illustrations?”

“Oh yer,” Zayn chuckled, “They all had borders on them. Most stereotypical ones of course: Carrots, spoons, mirrors, cats and turtles!”

“Am I ever going to live that carrot comment down?” Louis exclaimed jokily, putting his head in his hands in mock despair.

“No.” We all replied in unison, erupting into fresh laughter.

Niall’s phone buzzed angrily in his pocket and he dug it out, opening his new message and reading it for a moment before looking back up with a sigh.

Presumably wanting to cheer me up, Louis scrunched up the straw wrapping on the table in front of him and flicked it at my face, muffling his laughter with his sleeve as it narrowly missed my eye. I picked it off my lap and, with a sly smile, flicked it back in his direction, hitting him squarely on the nose and chuckling myself as it rebounded straight into his mocha frappuccino.

“Styles!” He screamed in pretend outrage.

“Tomlinson!” I mimicked, suddenly feeling a thousand times better.

“Boys!” Liam interrupted. “Shut up! You’re drawing attention to us.” We both sunk back into our chairs, smiling at each other mischievously.

“Oh for God’s sake.” Niall sighed in defeat. “Orthodontist wants me in whilst I’m free for a check up, joy of joys. Listen, I’ll be back in about an hour, ‘kay? So I’ll meet you at home?” Niall asked, standing up. We all murmured in agreement, and he left to the sound of four cheerful goodbyes.

“Oh.” Zayn sat up straight after a minute of relaxed silence. “Did you three hear about Sam and James?” His voice picked up in excitement as he gossiped about two of our closest friends, who had somehow remained out of the public eye entirely.

“Nah, why, what happened?” Louis turned his head, his naturally curious instincts taking over.

“Apparently they’re together. So says Andy. But they’re keeping it a secret and aren’t coming out any time soon. He said they’re worried about what people would think.” Zayn explained, sitting on the edge of his seat.

Two pairs of eyes widened either side of me, taking in the new information whilst I simply nodded my head. I’d had my own suspicions about the two of them for a while and had always thought they’d make a good couple. I was really happy for them that they’d managed to work it out. There was close to a minute of stunned silence.

“I’ve always thought Sam was, James is a surprise though!” Liam remarked.

“Really?” Louis replied. “I’ve always thought James was. But I always thought that Sam was that bit more…normal? That sounds really bad but, you know what I mean.”

It was now my eyes that widened in surprise. Here was Louis Tomlinson, one of the campest men I had ever met, who many of the fans sincerely believed to be gay himself, somehow inferring that being gay made you abnormal. I bit my tongue, not really wanting to start an argument. Especially not with Louis. So I ignored the familiar painful feeling deep in the pit of my stomach at the unwelcome reminder that Louis was indeed straight, and very much so, as if his girlfriend didn’t unintentionally remind me often enough.

“It’s weird though. I don’t know what’s coming over that lot. Ed and Max have been really close recently too. Makes me wonder if something’s going on there. Max is openly bi.” Liam pondered.

The utter ignorance of my best friends had shocked me to the point where speech had been rendered impossible. But as conversation turned to analyse Ed, and he was practically my best friend outside of the boys, I felt the need to step in.

“Oh, that’s not…” I begun, trying to sound as casual as I could. “No, because Max and I are kind of in the same boat.” I struggled to explain. I bit my lip as soon as the words left my lips, cursing the way that sounded.

“What? What do you mean?” Liam stuttered, shocked.

“In as far as Ed’s been helping us both out.” I faltered, remembering that they didn’t  know why, and now they’d want to.

“How?” Louis asked, confusion evident on his face.

“We’ve both had problems recently, and he’s been helping us through them.” I was beginning to regret ever opening my mouth.

“Why, what’s been wrong? Why didn’t you come to us?” And there it was: the very question I didn’t want to answer.

“Oh, no, nothing. It’s in the past now.” I lied, trying to dismiss it with a wave of a hand and a desperate glance in Zayn’s direction.

Zayn knew. Zayn had found out not long after Ed, when they’d both come over to mine for a beer whilst Louis was out and Ed had begun to talk to me in code about how I was and my problem. Not subtly enough it seemed, as Zayn had rather too quickly caught on to what we were talking about and I’d had to explain myself. In the spur of the moment, I’d ended up lying and telling him that a very current problem was firmly in the past and begging him to keep quiet, to which he had agreed. Being the type of person he was – living very much in the present and considering past problems and issues almost irrelevant – he’d dropped it sooner than I had dared hope and hadn’t brought it up again since. So in this moment when I desperately needed Liam to drop it too before I had to tell him, Zayn seemed the perfect person to turn to.

“It’s in the past, like Harry said. Can we just drop it now?” Zayn put in, and I thought I saw a strange look in his eye, flickering behind his dark pupils for a moment before fading away. It was as if he hadn’t faced what I’d revealed really, and was scared to. He seemed scared to acknowledge the truth, perhaps more terrified than I was myself.

“You know?” Liam asked, spinning around and facing Zayn with a sense of disbelief. “You told him?” He turned back to me. “You told him and you didn’t tell us?”

“No I didn’t.” I replied, trying to stay calm. “He found out. By accident. I’ve only told two people by choice, and Zayn isn’t one of them.” I continued to explain, glancing down to find that my hand was beginning to shake.

“Who? Which two people?” Louis asked softly, turning my attention to him in a way that he always seemed to achieve without even trying. I bit my lip. He was hurt that it hadn’t been him I’d turned to. I could see it in his eyes. I understood why, too.

“Ed.” I replied in a hushed tone. “And…Louis, do you remember that fan I told you about? The one in Europe I talk to a lot?”

“You told a fan?” Liam exclaimed angrily.

“She doesn’t know it’s me!” I argued, sitting up in my chair and clutching at the arms fiercely. “How thick do you think I am? As far as she knows, I’m a fifteen year old fangirl from London!”

“Why? Why tell her and not us?” Louis asked carefully, his voice still soft and gentle.

“She asked me about it. She’d guessed from my posts. It’s really great actually, being able to let everything out to a complete stranger. There are no consequences. I guess that’s what I like about it. If I tell her something it doesn’t affect my day to day life. Plus she’s absolutely lovely.” I told him sincerely, and he seemed to accept it.

“Harry…” Louis began after a minute’s silence which had started to become uncomfortable. Zayn had shut himself off completely and his eyes were blank as he stared at the screen of his phone. Liam had sat back in disbelief, resting his head in one hand and shaking his head slowly. Louis was sitting forward, his elbows on his knees, and he’d cocked his head to the side as he stared at me as if trying to work something out. “This…problem…I…I don’t know. I don’t want to sound…I don’t know…I don’t want you to be offended if I’m wrong but…”

“Louis it’s okay. I’m not going to be offended if you get it wrong.” I tried to reassure him, unsure about what he was going to say next.

“But I…” He stuttered.

“Text me? If you don’t want to say it?” he nodded at this suggestion, and took out his phone as I took out mine.

 

_Louis Tomlinson > Harry Styles._

_Spill! Xx_

_Harry Styles > Louis Tomlinson._

_What’s your guess? Xx_

_Louis Tomlinson > Harry Styles._

_I don’t want to say incase its wrong but is it a not very nice, damage thing? Xx_

I looked up, nodding warily. Had he really guessed? Was it that I was obvious? Or did he really know me that well? I scratched at my wrist subconsciously, stopping when I saw his eyes drawn to it.

“What so if he guesses he’ll know and then it’ll just be me that doesn’t?” Liam objected.

“No, if he guesses I’ll tell you.” I assured him, showing him Louis’ latest text.

“I…I don’t get it. What does he mean? I have no idea.” It appeared that I hadn’t been too obvious, Liam was still oblivious. Although at this rate, he wouldn’t be for long.

I don’t know at which point I decided to allow them to know. I guess I was sick of hiding it, feeling guilty for keeping something this big secret, this huge part of my life, from my closest friends. Either way it was too late to turn back now. My phone buzzed as I received another text.

 

_Louis Tomlinson > Harry Styles._

_Did you self harm? I feel really apprehensive xx_

I looked up at where Louis had put down his phone and was looking out of the window at the people strolling aimlessly through the street.

“Louis?” I spoke timidly and without conviction to get his attention. He turned his head towards me and the expression behind his eyes spoke volumes. He was scared firstly, that he might be right. Wary, of what I’d think if he were wrong. Unsure of how to react either way.

“Yes.” I said simply. “You’re right.”

He nodded slightly, clamping his lips together the moment the bottom one began to quiver.

“Oh.”

“Show me.” Liam demanded, seeing Louis’ reaction. I turned my head and his expression mirrored his tone. His face was deadly serious and worried. It wasn’t like Louis to get upset easily. Slowly and hesitantly, I handed him my phone.

He read the text. He glanced up at me and then read it again. His eyes were drawn back to me and slowly lowered themselves to my wrist.

“I can’t…but…I don’t believe it. But you’re always so…” He held his head in his hands. “How long?” His voice came out muffled. I squirmed uncomfortably, having never actually spoken about the details. “How long Harry?” Liam’s eyes were fierce as his head shot and he repeated himself angrily. I jumped, and the hard expression faded into something more gentle and far more like Liam. “Haz?”

“Early February.” I muttered.

“And you’ve stopped now? You don’t still…?” He raised an eyebrow.

“Oh no, no I don’t. Not anymore.” I shook my head to rid myself of the guilt I felt at lying again.

“I’m sorry, can I have a moment?” I blurted out after a moment, my arm shaking and the fading scars on my wrist screaming to be covered in fresh cuts.

I had been trying to stop, I really had. I’d gone about a month now since the last time I’d properly cut, only pinching the skin hard when I felt I needed to, which added angry but temporary red lines to the damaged skin.

I tripped over Liam’s feet as I ran for the door, scrambling through my pockets again for my phone. I pulled it out as I lent against a wall outside and searched through my contacts list for the only person I could call. Nobody followed me out. I risked a glance through the window to them and they appeared to be talking, but about what I had no way of telling. I pressed the call button.

_Calling Edward Sheeran._

“Hello?”

“Ed? Can you talk?”

“Erm…yer okay I can talk. What’s up Harry?”

“You know the other day I said I hated going for coffee?”

“…yer…”

“That’s proved true again. Never let me do that again.”

“What are you on about?”

“They know. I told them.”

“Who?”

“Louis and Liam.”

“Harry…Okay, calm down. You wanted Lou to know anyway, didn’t you? And Liam would’ve found out eventually. He always does.”

“I know but…”

“What did I say Haz?”

“Calm down?”

“So please do.

“Okay, okay. What do I do now?”

“Are you still with them now?”

“They’re still in Starbucks and I’m just outside.”

“Alright, well…”

“Louis guessed.”

“Oh?”

“Yes.”

“Okay, well he may have had some time to think about it then. But…Harry?”

“What?”

“Liam won’t have. He might be a bit off with you whilst he gets his head around it.”

“I know, I know.”

“Did you tell them you’d stopped?”

“Mmm…”

“Okay, well don’t let Liam find out that you still…yer. He’ll go mad if he finds out you lied.”

“I know that. I hate coffee, Ed.”

“I know Haz, I know. Just calm down, yer? And I’ll be around tonight if you need to talk.”

“Thanks. Talk later.”

“Bye Harry.”

“Bye.”

 

I hung up and breathed a heavy sigh as I slipped the phone back in my pocket. I pushed the door open and carefully stepped over Liam before sinking back into my chair.

“You alright?” Louis mouthed, his face virtually dripping concern. I nodded in a way that I hoped seemed convincing and smiled lightly. I saw a slight shake of his head as he dismissed it before he abruptly changed the subject, asking Liam some insignificant question about him and Danielle.

 

An hour later of pretending to be interested in conversation and determinedly ignoring Louis’ eyes on me, we finally made our way back home. Louis walked through the front door after me and as I turned to him I saw him watching my wrist and turned away quickly, unable to bear it. I marched quickly into the bathroom and locked the door behind me, sinking down and leaning my back on the solid wood.

My phone buzzed.

 

_Louis Tomlinson > Harry Styles_

_Harry…you okay, love? Xxxx_

_Harry Styles > Louis Tomlinson _

_How did you guess Lou? Am I really that obvious? Xxx_

_Louis Tomlinson > Harry Styles_

_No, I guess I just know you really well. Seriously, are you alright? You’re not…I mean you wouldn’t…right? I’m giving you a minute and then I’m coming in. You’re worrying me xxxxx_

_Harry Styles > Louis Tomlinson_

_Okay. And Lou I’m fine. I’m not…yer. Promise. I’ll be out in a sec xxxx_

I locked my phone again and stood shakily, turning and unlocking the door, puling it open and coming face to face with Louis. His eyes met each wrist before my face, and I could’ve laughed if I hadn’t been so sad.

“I promised didn’t I? Past problem, right?” I attempted to smile.

“Don’t lie, Harry.” He told me, voice choked up and eyes lined with tears. “It’s not past, is it?” I shook my head, ashamed. “How much of what you tell us is true?”

“Not a lot of it. It’s easier to lie. ‘I’m fine’ is easier than ‘everything’s falling apart, I find.” I admitted, shrugging my shoulders.

“Is there anything else you’re keeping from me?” He asked, a hand finding mine in comfort.

“One thing.” I began hesitantly. “I think I might be bisexual…or pansexual. And…and I…” I shrunk away in sudden fear. I couldn’t really tell him, could I?

“You can tell me. You don’t have to. But you can. If you want.” He offered his most reassuring look.

I took a deep breath and looked him in the eye as I admitted my darkest secret; one I never thought I’d tell anyone, least of all Louis.

“I like you. As more than a friend.”

 

**Author's Note:**

> If anyone is suffering in the same way Harry is here, I'm here. You're not alone.


End file.
